Privilege. Shit you DON’T need. Expensive ass shit. Yep, 'tis the season to the annual goop Holiday Gift Guide. Queen Gwyneth Paltrow has stepped up to the plate where Oprah left and fueled the fire for rich white women all over the world to find spirituality through jade eggs up their vag and vampire repellent to keep away low wage retail workers who won’t accept their two-month-old expired coupons. We’re all forever grateful (at least I am). Goop has helped me peek into the world of the greater caucasian woman lifestyle, and it’s something we should all aspire to be.
Over the years, Gwyneth has received criticism for being out of touch due to how expensive her lifestyle brand is, but the truth is, she has never experienced poverty. Why should she stoop to our level to make us happy? And that’s what makes her so great! Over the years, she has leaned into just how incredibly ridiculous her tips and luxury lifestyle is with how obscene this year's gift guide truly is. But to make YOU peasants happy, there is a section for items under $100.
Here are my favorite items on the gift guides that you should consider giving to a loved one.
Gravity Balans Chair, $1999
How do you even get into this chair?
Palo Santo Gift, $50
(I’m only placing on the list to inform you that Palo Santo Trees are currently endangered. PLEASE STOP BUYING AND USING THEM)
The Pattern App, FREE
It’s free! It’s my favorite astrology app. Plus, Channing Tatum went on a great rant about the app.
Modular Prefab Home, $10,000
Yes, I want to be in this Ex-Machina esque treehouse for 10k.
Smart Micograden, $799
I have no idea what this is.
G.Label Leather Skirt, $995
An essential for winter! A good leather skirt.
Chanel Houndstooth Bag, $5950
Every girl should own a Chanel handbag.
Voice Translator, $299
Stop going to countries and not trying to adapt to their language, Karen.
Gold Handcuffs, $425
Be kinky, but make it 1%
Leather Blindfold, $102
I’m sure by eyelids would sweat with this.
Dehydrated Caviar Bar, $99
Do I need this? No. But do I want it? YES! YES! YES!
Goop Pink Sphere Drink Set, $70
What the fuck is this? Also, very much needed in my life.
DRX Spectralite Facewear Pro, $435
I want to look like Daft Punk while smoothing my wrinkles and killing my acne.
Gold Sculpting Bar, $195
Apparently this helps prevent wrinkles…not sure if it works but Tracee Ellis Ross uses it so it’s a must-have.
Plus, follow my Gwyneth Paltrow Instagram account. Yes, you read that correctly.
