Transition has been never easy.
I always love starting over in hindsight, but once I’m in the driver’s seat I think to myself “did I make the right decision?”
When the year comes to an end, it brings up a lot of reflecting and a lot of emotions to the surface that maybe you didn’t realize were there. I remember going into 2018; I wasn’t particularly excited for a new year. I felt stagnate where I was at my job and in Cleveland. Questioning a lot of my choices I had made in my life and wondering if I was ever going to get to a place where I felt “happy” or even just “satisfied.” Out of nowhere, my sister suggested that I move with her to Chicago, and at first, I hesitated because I was trying to build a foundation in Cleveland and she said “but, why? You don’t like it here."
Contrary to popular beliefs, I was starting to embrace Cleveland. I was finally getting friends and understanding this city that seems so odd to me for four years. But I remember my former boss, Diana told me, ‘you’re 31, if you don’t make a change now to try and make something happen, it’ll never happen.” You hit your 30’s, and people act like if you don’t act now, you’re shit out of luck. She was right!
By June, we packed up our life in Cleveland and moved to Chicago.
Chicago gave me all the feels that New York has always provided me. Vibrate, inspiration, lust, and excitement. I finally felt like I could make this city my home.
But it’s been so hard.
I went from having a steady job to going on countless job interviews, getting callbacks and making it to the last round and then finding out someone beat me to the punch.
I was getting close to the finish line in so many aspects of my life and then never getting to cross the line that I was starting to feel like maybe I’m not as good as I thought I was. Perhaps I’m not that great of a writer (after, I wrote a piece in 3 hours for Teen Vogue, only for them to kill the story the next day). Maybe this idea that I should work in a field where I can use my skills isn’t what’s meant for me (after not getting multiple jobs in the area I want). And don’t get me started on dating.
The road has never been easy for me, and I’m not quite sure why I thought this would be the one time it would.
That self-doubt is very vicious, and I’m constantly battling with myself not to let self-doubt take the best of me.
I know I’m talented and have a lot to offer. I’m waiting for that one company to take a chance on me.
I think 2018 was the year of understanding my hurtles and acknowledging how I am quite resilient when it comes to trying to make my dreams happen. Some people have it right away, and then there are others where it takes a little longer than one might have expected.
I’m praying and believe that 2019 will be the year where I put a lot of my dreams into a reality. If I write it and put it into existence, it might happen…right?